Many people get nervous when facing a new situation. It could be the beginning of a school year, moving into a new neighborhood and meeting new people, perhaps going off to a new summer camp. What is it about new situations that bring the flutters into our stomachs, cause our breath to feel tight and our muscles to feel tense? When we think about it clearly – which is really hard to do in a new situation – we know that nothing bad will happen. So, what is it about our brain that it takes charge and causes us to feel that panicky feeling?
Fear and anxiety are normal responses to threat or perceived threat. There are intricate processes at work in the brain that monitor our surroundings for threat , increasing vigilance, accessing memories and then rapidly activating our body – by increasing blood flow and heart rate – to respond to these threats. These are all automatic functions of the brain to protect the body and are useful unless they are activated at inappropriate times. Some people live their life with a heightened and uncontrollable worry about everyday things, such as health, safety, relationships and money. They will call themselves “worriers” and may be lovingly teased by family members.
However, fear and anxiety can be problematic when they interfere with the persons functioning. For example, a young man in yeshiva who worries too much about his standing in his shiur will find that it is hampering his concentration. A young woman becoming anxious when friends gather may begin to avoid these situations. There are three aspects to anxiety: negative thoughts, physical reactions, and avoidance.
Thinking influences how anxious we feel if those thoughts are negative. Worries about being judged by others or not meeting expectations will increase ones fear. You can practice noticing these fears and then questioning if they are , in fact, true. And if true, how likely they will be to happen. For example: I’ll make a mistake in nigun when davening. Ask yourself what will happen if you do? Has anyone else ever lost the tune? What happened? One of the tools from CBT teaches people to ask themselves “what is the worst that can happen?” We tend to catastrophize when facing a challenge and predict the worst. But that, by itself, causes more anxiety and reduces the chance of success. We can change that.
Physical reactions are automatic to protect us but may be uncomfortable when they happen in a “safe” situation. In a dangerous situation ( date) the brain will mobilize and send more blood to the arms and legs ( to help run away) making it harder to choose your words ( what was I saying?), you lose concentration and focus as your thoughts begin to race. Other physical responses can include sweating, dry mouth, heart racing, feeling dizzy and lightheaded, restlessness, blushing, shortness of breath, muscle tension. Breathing and relaxation techniques are useful to practice before the situations occur so as to be able to use them when needed.
Avoidance is the logical choice when social events or other challenges can make us so uncomfortable. A technique called exposure – facing the situation that causes the fear response- is an effective tool. . If nervous in a crowd – begin to attend more social events. If reluctant to daven before the amud- offer to daven, give a dvar torah . Raise your hand in class. Step in and join a group of friends. For each person the steps may differ, but its stretching what you do that helps. Its teaching your brain that “the worst didn’t happen, I am Okay ” and therefore reduces the anxious reaction over time.
These fears can be most distressing when entering the stage of life for shidduchim. Since anxiety is controlled by the brain and expressed physically in the body, the impact on the individual on a shidduch date can be significant.
While most of these responses are automatic and vary based on an individual’s temperament, there are strategies that can be used to prepare and then reduce the risk of being highjacked by these fears.
WHAT TO DO?
Just breathe. There is a significant amount of research that has shown that changing ones breathing to a slower and deeper rhythm will activate the portion of the brain to slow down and return to baseline. It will restore the sense of safety by slowing down the heart rate, reducing tension in the chest, relaxing muscle tension. The average breath we take is 3 seconds in and 3 seconds out. The practice of this new breath should be about 6 seconds in and 6 seconds out. Ideally, if you practice this 10 – 20 minutes daily for a few weeks ( it also helps you relax to fall asleep) your brain will have recorded the connection between the breath and relaxing and you can access it when needed. This isn’t really a new idea. Don’t we often tell someone who has had a fall or a shock - “just take a breath”? Now we have a scientific explanation for why that works. ( for the curious reader – it activates the parasympathetic nervous system )
Be prepared. If you are the young man, plan where you will go. Don’t wait to ask the girl. Or, give her a choice of two. Think through what kind of questions you would like to ask – what do you need to know so that you will feel that you are getting to know the other person. Write them down. Practice them. How do they sound? Do you sound judgmental or curious? Also, remember the other person wants to get to know you as well. How will you talk about yourself? Getting advice from teachers, rabbanim or friends who recently went through this will help. Most important, in my opinion, is to be yourself. You don’t want someone to say “yes” thinking you are one kind of person – when you are a different one. You can keep it up for a few dates – but for a lifetime?
Be open. The other person is just as nervous as you are. If he is sitting quietly – perhaps you can draw him out with open ended and not “yes-no” questions. If she seems to be chatty, ask her a serious question to shift the focus. You want to get to know this person so listen carefully and ask questions to get a better picture. Don’t interrupt. Be prepared to be open about who you are as a person. This is a new experience – so remember to breathe.
Positive thoughts. Don’t underestimate the power of positive thinking. Challenge the thoughts that may pop into your head that say “ I can’t do this”. Try “I can do this. Others have done this before me and others will follow.
